I had a dream that night. I called out for him, looked for him. I ran through many places that I would think he would be there. But, I never found him, despite calling out his name everywhere… he never came. I called out his name one more time.
Laura: “…Lon’qu, just where are you…?”
I wake up feeling restless and antsy. (Even my dreams are betraying me…)
(Loving a man who can’t be found…)
I rolled over and opened my eyes.
Lon’qu: “…You called for me?” He looks down at me. The sunlight hitting the tips of his hair. His dark brown hair glistening a light brown. (So… pretty….)
I reach out and touch the side of his hand. Warmth seeps into my fingers.
Lon’qu: “…”
He doesn’t move or anything.
(A-am I still dreaming…?)
(I mean the real Lon’qu would have swat my hands away in a heartbeat… right?)
I take my thumb and fingers to slightly hold onto his right hand.
Lon’qu: “…”
He doesn’t shy away from my touch.
(Touching hands isn’t a sign of I love you right…?)
And yet… the words tumble out of my mouth.
Laura: “I-I looked for you… you know…”
My voice sounding sleepy from just waking up.
Lon’qu: “…I-I’m here.”
His hand wraps around my hand in a delicate hold.
A smile spreads all over my face. I hold onto his hand tightly.
“Hehe.” I look up towards at him still laying on my back on my bed.
He looks down at me. We stare into each other’s eyes.
He squeezed my hand, also light but there.
“…I’ll protect you, Laura.” Barely a whisper, I’m not even sure if I heard that correctly.
But even still, it warmed my heart.
I’m still looking at him… I can still feel his warmth on my hands…
Lon’qu: “…Are you still sleeping…?” His arms crossed against his chest.
(Huh…)
I blinked.
Laura: “…!”
(Either I hallucinated everything or he’s been here the whole time?! But I can’t ask him were you here the whole time…?!)
(And I’m not going to admit what I’ve done??)
My hand where he touched me feels hot. I’m rendered speechless.
My face flushes.
Lon’qu: “…Are you okay?”
(Again… he thinks I’m crazy!!!)
Laura: “I-I’m fine…!” I say as I hide under my blankets.
(Please… why is he taking to me when I just woke up… this is so embarrassing…!!!)
Lon’qu: “…”
Laura: “D-did I overslept again that’s why you’re h-here…?”
I squeaked under my blankets.
Silence.
I moved my blanket down slowly and just a little bit, but his eyes catch sight of my eyes through the blankets. We were definitely staring at each other…
His face creases, his eyebrows doing their thing for when he thinks hard about what to say…
Lon’qu: “…You called my name. That’s why I’m here.”
He says as a matter of fact.
Incoherent words leave my mouth.
“I… you… wha… w-what?!”
(I did what now?!)
His face as stoic as ever. (I can’t read this expressions…)
(I can’t admit that I was dreaming about him can I….?! But what can I say here??)
Laura: “…”
Lon’qu: “…”
I’m still peering at him through the small corner flap of my blanket.
He sighs. Yet, my heart quickens…
Lon’qu: “I’ll meet you outside after you get ready. Let’s take a walk.”
He doesn’t wait for me to reply or agree, he leaves.
When he gets to my door… without looking back either.
Lon’qu: “…and bring your mic too in your pocket. Just in case.”
He exits.
My mind is reeling. The touches, the warmth of my hand in his hand. His warmth. His touch. (W-what was that all about?!?)
(Also… a walk…? Why?!)
I reluctantly get out of bed and get ready.
By the time I pop out of my tent, it feels like an eternity has passed.
(Just act normal! Act normal…!)
Laura: “M-morning…”
Lon’qu: “Good morning.”
Laura and Lon’qu: “…”
Silence.
Laura: “S-so w-where to?
Lon’qu: “An errand.” He begins walking away... and I follow behind him…
We were getting closer to where the Shepherds usually hang out at. I watch him… his eyes looking around but not finding what or who or why…?
Laura: “W-what errand…?”
Lon’qu: “Have to deliver a message.”
He tenses up, when I see Tharja walk by.
Lon'qu: “Tonight we're holding a war council. Don't be late.”
Tharja: “Is Lissa hosting again? Maybe she'll make more of those little honey cakes. Oh, hold on. You've got a bug stuck in your hair...”
I look towards his hair… but I don’t see anything…
Lon'qu: “Don't come any closer!”
Tharja: “Well, if I repulse you THAT much...”
Lon'qu: “You are not special. I feel the same about all women.”
(She’s not special, does that mean I might be different…?) (Or is he saying I’m the same as every other girl…)
On a habit, I cross my arms… standing here awkwardly behind him as the two of them talk…
Tharja: “Then why are you so afraid of us?”
(Now she’s lumping all girls together…)
Lon'qu: “Something at the core of my nature has always made me...uneasy around you.”
(You… as in women in a collateral sense.)
Tharja: “You want me to fix it? It must be hard turning into a gibbering idiot whenever you meet a woman.”
(I think he’s way past the gibbering stage…and he’s not an idiot!)
Lon'qu: “You have the power to rid me of this fear?”
Tharja: “Someone's iiiiiiinterested...”
Lon'qu: “I am not.”
(… your tone says elsewise.)
Tharja: “Sure, whatever. When you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
Lon'qu: “......”
(I can’t say anything… I forbid myself to talk about anything that transpires.)
He turns around and looks at me.
A small sigh leaves his lips. It’s subtle but I noticed it…
(The least I should do is support him…)
Laura: “…Shall we find her…?”
Lon’qu: “You’ll come…?”
(Where else would I go?!)
Laura: “I said I’ll be here a-always…”
Then I blurt out, “For the list…! Tharja is on the list…! Two more to go!”
His eyebrows furrow and then deepen, almost into a scowl… He crosses his arms.
Laura: “I m-mean if you don’t want me to then I won’t…!”
Lon’qu: “Let’s just get this over with…”
His voice sounds cold. He walks ahead of me again… walking towards where Tharja walked away.
I walk behind him… watching him get farther and farther ahead of me. So, I quicken my pace to keep up.
Lon'qu: “Tharja.”
I wince hearing him call her name.
Tharja: “I'm not going to move across the room, if that's what you want.”
Lon'qu: “......”
He stands there and doesn’t move. Neither do I…
Tharja: “Okay, I have better things to do than watch you stand there with your mouth agape. You want me to dispel your fear, right?”
Lon'qu: “Can you truly release me from this crippling aversion to your kind?”
Tharja: “Only if you promise to never refer to women as "your kind" again. Also, I need to know exactly where this fear comes from.”
Lon'qu: “...All of it?”
His eyes quickly glance at me, but it was fleeting.
Tharja: “Unless I know the true nature of what ails you, I cannot destroy it.”
Again, he looks at me… then to the floor.
Lon'qu: “Every night, I am plagued by a dream. A dream of true events. Of a young girl who lost her life because of me.”
My breath catches. (Dreams every night? A young girl? Lost her life…? Because of him…?)
I didn’t mean to stare at him. But, I stare…
Lon’qu: “She was an ordinary village girl who lived on the outskirts of town. We became friends despite the fact that I was an impoverished youth from the slums.”
Laura: (An ordinary village girl… youth in the slums…? Friends…?)
He’s talking so fast I can barely keep up…
Laura: (Why… why was this the first time he’s ever talked about it…)
Lon’qu: “In time, she began to steal away from her parents to see me. Love flowered between us. But then...”
Laura: (Love…? He’s been in love?!) My heart sunk with every word he was saying.
He’s still looking at the floor… I looked away…
Tharja: “Go on.”
Lon'qu: “I'm sorry. This is...difficult for me.”
Laura: “…”
(Why am I even here…)
Lon’qu: “One day we went to the fields to picnic and spend time by the river. ...The bandits were so fast. So many. I fought them with all that I had, but she still... They...”
(A picnic? Bandits…?) The strain in his voice gripping at my heart.
Tharja: “I'm sorry, Lon'qu.”
Lon'qu: “From that day on, the presence of a woman has filled me with fear. A woman died because of my failings. I would not let it happen again. And though that day is long past, I relive it every night...”
(He relives this every night…?) (Wait… like as in the nightmares that he talked about to Panne…?) (Yet, not once… not once has he spoken to me about this.) Even on late nights training each other, even when I asked him how his sleep was the next morning, he would tell me, “Sleep is sleep. It’s fine.” (How many of those were filled with memories of his past…? His pain…?)
A breath escapes me.
Tharja: “It is not unusual for powerful incidents to grip our hearts for many years after. You aren't crushed by mortal means, Lon'qu—the memory IS the curse.”
Lon'qu: “Can you help me?”
(He asks for HER help.) (Not me…) My heart… drops more. Even I didn’t know that was possible.
Tharja: “I must learn about you, this girl, and your youth spent in the slums. If I am to break the curse, I must know everything there is to know about you.”
Lon'qu: “If that is what it takes...”
(How affected must he be to resort to this… spilling out his past…)
I bite the bottom of lips.
Tharja: “Lon'qu? I'm ready to perform the ritual.”
Lon'qu: “Do you avow this ritual will cleanse my soul and finally grant me peace?”
Despite how I feel, I internally laughed at the way he said this. (This man… always catching me off guard…)
Tharja: “Yes. It will erase everything and give you a fresh start.”
(Erase?!) Even I know this is absurd.
Lon'qu: “Good.”
(Good he says…)
Tharja: “However, the curse has been with you for years, and its roots reach deep. The only way to eradicate it is to uproot it along with all of your childhood memories.”
Lon'qu: “You mean, I will forget everything? My life in the slums? The times I spent with...her?”
I wince. (How much of his past I do not know… I don’t know anything about him…)
Laura: (It hurts…)
Tharja: “Every last bit. But those memories torment you, right? You should be pleased to lose them.”
(Then… he’ll lose a piece of himself…)
Lon'qu: “No. I cannot go through with this.”
Laura: “…”
Tharja: “Hey, I spent hours collecting bat wings. You can't back out now!”
Lon'qu: “Even as I told you my story, I realized how important the memories are to me. My life on the streets? Her death? These experiences make me strong. If I lose the memories, what happens to the lessons I learned from them? I fear they too, will be lost.”
Laura: (Life on the streets… slums… this mystery girl… even though I heard he talk about it, there’s so much that I still don’t know. I don’t understand him at all… and what hurts more is that I don’t know him.)
Laura: (How come he never revealed this to me…? Any of it…?)
I hear their voices continuing to talk but I don’t catch any of it, I slip out of the room... and run.
It’s late evening, the moon already high in the sky but I don’t care. I want to be outside, alone. I scale up a tree by the training grounds, not too far from camp.
I don’t want to be caught up in Risen alone, but far enough away from everyone at camp. (Away from him.)
I scale up at the closest tree that seems to be hidden as much as I can. If I’m on the ground any longer, he’ll catch up to me…
I can see my tent and his from this tree. (Why did I pick this tree…) another sigh escapes me.
I then see him… walking back from meeting with Tharja. He takes a step back, (looking around for me probably… or is that wishful thinking?) He scans the camp site and then starts heading towards my direction.
Laura: (There’s no way…)
I see him closer to the training grounds. I scold myself for not picking a farther tree). I scoot a little back on an instant, and smaller branch snaps. (Seriously!!) I hold my breath… hoping that he doesn’t look up here… But, he starts to train slashing his sword into the training dummies.
(How did I forget about his daily sword training… like clockwork at least once a day… most nights I’ve joined him. Just not tonight. I sigh again, my heart feeling strained. When I look at him, I think about all the things I’ve learned about him today.
How he revealed to Tharja about his past.
(His life in the slums.)
(Meeting a young village girl.)
(A… previous love. Nonetheless… it was a youthful love.)
(But… he has said the words himself… love…)
A long sigh escapes me.
(How dare you love someone else…)
I’m reminded at the fact that I… love him. (But… how do I love someone I know nothing about…?)
My thoughts ramble.
(Because I meddled in his life?)
(Because he told me to stay away… and I didn’t…)
(Because of the way he failed at keeping me away because I kept coming back?)
(Because of the way he looks at me…? the way he sighs, the ways his eyes creases when he’s in thought, the way his eyes seem to soften, the way he laughs, his smiles, the way he touches me…)
(Because… I am in love for the person that I got to know…)
(Because his past is his past… this happened a long time ago… this shouldn’t be a punishment…)
(Yet he’s been punishing himself because of it…)
(And I left him…)
(I said I will stand by his side… but I fled.)
My heart feels like it’s submerged under the sea.
(He is who he is today because of it…)
(I just wished that he told me first… or at least since I’m not the first… at least tell me more…)
I try to reason with myself.
(Do… I… really… love… him…?) I whisper the words out loud, “Why… do you keep affecting me so…?”
We sit in silence, my eyes watching his every move, unable to take my eyes away despite my feelings...
(Just rip out my heart why don’t you…)
(Lon’qu…)
Lon’qu’s POV
I hear the branch snap, which solidifies my suspicion. I don’t look up instantly though.
After a few rounds, I position myself to look up but not look directly at her, but enough to see. One slash, and I was right, Laura is in that tree.
Two slashes, three slashes, on the fifth slash, I look up again, and even in the faint moonlight, I can make out the intense look on her face.
Lon’qu: “…”
I had revealed a lot of my past to Tharja and not once has my past came up with her prior.
Guilt and shame runs through my body. (Why hadn’t I told her…?)
More slashes, more cuts deeper than the last strike.
(I have no excuse...)
(A part of me wants to yell at you, to talk about whatever… this is.)
(But, at the same time, I don’t deserve to talk to you.) *deep sigh*
(Not after what I did… and the words I’ve said.)
(I didn’t want you to see that side of me...)
I swing my blade around some more, in frustration.
(The past is just the past.)
I look up again, her lips pursed together. The way she has her arms wrapped around her so she doesn’t fall off the branch.
(I’ll talk to her tomorrow morning about it...)
I go through a couple more training dummies. And look up one last time at her hiding spot.
(You’ll see me tomorrow morning… won’t you, Laura?)
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