It didn’t get any better, as the days passed on, he’s been on missions with Cherche. Our conversations have been on edge lately… more like I’ve been on edge. If we do talk, it’s so awkward that it makes me feel that we shouldn’t even talk to each other. I can’t even look at him with the hurt in my eyes. I can’t bear myself to ask him, Why… didn’t you ever tell me before…? If I do acknowledge my feelings in front of him, I’ll probably cry. And he… he doesn’t bring up any of the discussions he had with Tharja. (Why would he.)
I don’t see him in the mornings anymore, I… just can’t bring myself too. By the time I leave my tent, he’s already on missions, and by the time they are back from missions, the day has ended. It’s been like this for a month now. We don’t have lunches or dinner together. There’s just… nothing. Emptiness.
There are times he’s been outside my tent, asking me if I’m awake, but I don’t answer… I pretend I’m still sleeping, yet he doesn’t come in… he just leaves.
Once in a while we still get paired for patrols, but those have been filled with empty silences. I would ask “H-how are you…?” I feel like a clipped bird that has forgotten how to fly, how to speak. (How do I act normal around him when nothing isn’t normal anymore…?) He would reply, closed, fast, clipped, “It’s going.” Conversation ends. He walks ahead of me, no longer matching my pace… (Good job me. How did I even ramble on about nothing days prior to this…?)
I sigh.
It feels like we are in a fight, yet… neither of us is willing to acknowledge it…
(Well… it isn’t my fault.) I seethe. (I’m not the one making comrades and getting all chummy with the whole camp.)
But I know… it is my fault. (I’m the one… that started all of this…)
I made him go through that list…
More sighs escape me.
I had a fitful sleep last night. During the night when I woke, my mind continued drifting off to him. Even when I fell asleep I thought about him… even when there’s nothing holding us together, why do my thoughts keep coming back to him…?!
(I’m mentally and emotionally… drained.)
(Can we just… stop fighting…?)
Yet as stubborn as I am, again I refused to see him this morning.
After the fourth time waking up that night, I decided to write him a note instead. “Last one to talk to is Cherche! Good luck you got this!!”
I had hung up my sign outside that read “I’m out for some early training!” and attached the folded note writing on top of that note his name, Lon’qu.
But, the fact I was not out and hiding out in bed. Tired and restless. (I just can’t take it.)
(Just one more, one more, and this all ends…)
I take the jar with my earpiece in it, and put it in my ear, reluctantly.
I had created a wall with my blankets, so if anyone were to come in my tent, they would just see a pile of blankets, like I had left for the day.
His sigh cuts through my ear. My heart thumps. “She’s out training...?”
Lon’qu: “Hey… are you listening…?”
My heart leaps at his voice… it’s been awhile since I’ve heard his voice this close. Right into my ears…
When suddenly, I hear a girl’s voice.
Cherche: “Say, Lon'qu?”
Lon’qu: “What?”
(Speak of the devil. Cherche.)
Cherche: “This might be a strange question, but... Did you grow up in the slums? Living in the streets?”
(Again… mention of slums, the streets…) (Does every girl know his past except for me…?)
Lon'qu: “I have no idea what you're talking about.”
(Not too long ago, you just told your past with Tharja!!) (Ugh.)
Cherche: “Oh. Then it must have been a different Lon'qu.”
Lon'qu: “Must have been.”
(That blatant lie… Is it that simple for him to lie…?) (How many times has he lied to me…?)
Cherche: “But you did know a young girl called Ke'ri, didn't you?”
Lon'qu: “Where did you hear that name?!”
(Ke’ri…) “A reaction…”
Cherche: “I met Ke'ri's parents. A while back, when I was in Regna Ferox with Minerva. I saved them from a pack of bandits outside the town. They told me that their daughter had been killed by the very same outlaws. Later I heard a young boy named Lon'qu was with her at the time. ...And that he fought like a demon in a vain attempt to protect her. Naturally, when I was introduced to you, I started thinking—“
Laura: (More details….) (He fought like a demon in attempt to protect her…) I silently thank Cherche for spilling out what she’s heard. (But for her to know all about this…)
My stomach twists…
Lon'qu: “I fought, yes. But in the end, it was she who died protecting me. Her mother and father hated me. They blamed me for her death. I was a homeless boy from the slums, and I stole their only daughter.”
I recoil. (He’s admit it then.) (A homeless boy from the slums who fell in love…) My mind imagining a younger, smaller Lon’qu.
Cherche: “We have to talk. There's more to the story of Ke'ri and her parents.”
Lon'qu: “Even so, I have no wish to hear it. If there is any mercy in your heart, you will leave the matter be.”
Laura: (But... I want to know more.)
Cherche: “Her parents did not hate you, Lon'qu. They were grateful to you. It's true that when Ke'ri was killed, they blamed you for her death. But then they learned how desperately you tried to save her. And when you vanished from the slum, they knew that it was their fault.”
Laura: (He was just a kid… a boy… a boy without parents getting blamed and yelled at by her parents…) I sucked in a breath. (He left because of her…)
Cherche: “Soon after Ke'ri died, they found her diary. They discovered what a good friend you had been to her.”
(A good friend. Friends or lovers what were you… though kids… if anything a crush. On each other.)
I deeply sighed that I felt it in my stomach.
Lon'qu: “......”
Cherche: “Your friendship made her happy, and that, in turn, made them happy. So they don't hate you. Not anymore. And I know they would want you to know that.”
(A diary… her friendship. Happiness.)
Lon'qu: “It is...good to be forgiven. And yet, I doubt this wound can ever truly heal.”
Laura: “…” (Then what am I to you Lon’qu….)
Cherche: “You look to have the weight of the world on your shoulders, Lon'qu.”
Lon'qu: “I am the same as always.”
Cherche: “I know you better than that. You're distracted by something.”
Laura: (She reveals his past and thus the two of them are closer over this…? Is that how this works…?) (So where does that leave me…?)
Cherche: “Listen, Lon'qu. I dredged up a past you wanted to forget, and I'm sorry.”
Laura: (She’s provided him closure. How many years has he’s been thinking about her and her death and the self blame…) (Probably over 12 years…? of his grief, his inability, and his nightmares…)
Laura: “No wonder he’s been reliving it every night…”
Lon’qu: “When you spoke of her parent's forgiveness, I thought it would only bring more pain. But, since then, the nightmares that plague me have become...fewer.”
Laura: (It’s lessened… and it’s thanks to what Cherche has told him…) (Not because of me…)
Cherche: “Nightmares?”
Lon'qu: “Many a night have I been forced to relive the moment she died protecting me. Ke'ri died because she was my friend.”
My heart drops.
(His nightmares… for him to share that with her… freely… without hesitation. He shared it once to Tharja to try to remedy the nightmares… and now he can share it to everyone BUT ME.)
Lon’qu: “Never again shall I repeat that mistake. I vowed that I would let no one get close enough to be hurt by me again.”
I flinch. (And here I come around, putting myself in danger around him…) “Though, I guess we aren’t close huh?”
I curl up into a little ball on my bed, with my knees tucked in to my chest. My heart plummets as if I’ve been dropped.
Lon'qu: “My nightmares will never fade completely, nor will my fear of friendship and love. But for the first time, I can imagine a future that might be different. Thank you, Cherche.”
(There he goes again. Friendship and love...) and… he was able to move on because of Cherche…
Pain seeps through my very soul. My heart is crying.
Cherche: “I only told you what I knew. ...But perhaps, if you would allow, we can try to cure the remaining hurt together? For a start, we could go for a ride on Minerva. Perhaps even bring a picnic—“
Laura: “…” (Is she blatantly flirting with him?! Going on a picnic?! Swooping in because you know so much about him?!)
Laura: “Please don’t …”
Lon'qu: “I am...not ready.”
Relief at his words, even if slightly.
Laura: “What am I even doing…”
(I learned a lot I’m grateful for that, but at the same time it just…hurts.) “Am I really…
nothing?” Saying the words out loud, it might as well be true….
Lon’qu: “Laura.”
I hear my name in the earpiece. My heart does a flip.
(A whole month of distance will do this…)
Lon’qu: “Are you… there?”
I take out the earpiece and shove it in the jar. (Nope… no no no. I’m not.) I lay flat on my bed.
I see a shadow outside my tent…
Lon’qu: “Are… you really not here…?”
I don’t say anything. I don’t dare to move…
I see the flap at the corner of my eyes moving as if he’s pondering if he should just come in or not. A few seconds later, it opens.
Laura: (In-invading?!) (So, what am I now?! Less than a girl?!)
I tense.
Lon’qu: “Laura.” He says firmly. “I see you… you know.”
He says my name again… more thumps in my chest. Painful.
I reluctantly flip on my side… look up and see the top of his face, his ears tinged with red… the rest of him covered behind my blanket wall….
Laura: “Wh-what are you doing here…?” I squeak out.
He’s still staring down at me, I get up and sit on my bed with my blanket wall between us so it’s not so much of a stare down…
His eyes dart around taking a look at my most likely disheveled form and then looking away. (Not like he’s never seen this before…)
Lon’qu: “…Your sign outside said you were out, but apparently you’re not.” He crosses his arms.
I didn’t have a comeback. “…” All I could do was stare at him.
He steps closer to my blanket wall… reaches over… and flicks me on the head.
Laura: “Wha—“ his sudden touch made me flinch. “What was that for…?” I had meant to say it with some oomph, but it comes out vulnerable… small… hurting.
Lon’qu: “We have a mission. Stop slacking.”
(It’s the most he’s said to me this whole time.)
Laura: “Who… w-who else is coming…?”
Lon’qu: “No one.” He adds quickly, “Just us.”
Laura: “Huh…?” (You can’t just say that…)
Lon’qu: “Do… you not want to go…?” I can hear the hesitation in his voice.
Laura: “I’ll go! I’m going!” His eyes soften even just for a second.
Laura: “Let me just get ready…” I grab my gear and clothes that I need to change into.
Laura: “Um.” (How am I supposed to change if you’re still here?!?)
Lon’qu: “You’re… you’re not going to run if I leave right..?”
Laura: “Run… where..?!” His words hitting the mark.
Lon’qu: “Yesterday… and this morning…” his eyes meet mines. “Nowhere to be found…”
Laura: “I… I wasn’t running…” I stammered. (I was totally running!!)
Lon’qu: “We… can talk ab—“
I cut him off. “Everything’s fine!” “You know you’re right, we should celebrate today, here’s to 14 new comrades that you made this past year and few months.” I plaster a smile on my face, “You should be proud!!”
My outburst hitting us both like whiplash.
Laura: “I’m going and we will celebrate.” I say with conviction. (Unless u’re planning on staying around and oogling me while I change.) I look into his eyes. A daring challenge. (Not like he can read my thoughts...)
He coughs and looks away, his ears burning again.
Lon’qu: “Alright. I’ll… be outside…”
I get ready and head outside, distracted by him… already my mood flipped by a switch from just his presence.
(There is something wrong with me…) I stretch and meet my demise outside.
He’s there waiting as he said.
Laura: “So… where to?” I ask putting my voice as chipper as it can be.
Lon’qu: “Outskirts. Patrol.”
Laura: “Alright, you lead then, and I’ll follow.”
(As always…)
He starts walking, and I trail behind him. Not too far, but not too close either. The silence settles between us.
I recall the first time we had a patrol together. (How simple I was… being so happy just to be by his side…) (and then, me and my nonsense, this whole fiasco started…)
(What good is it to know other people…? Other girls…?) (On one side I learned a lot... on the other side, he’s never shown me these new sides to him either. And then his whole past reveal, where he can freely talk about it. But I can’t…)
(What am I supposed to do…?)
(Lock him a box and never let him go...) A dangerous thought.
Lon’qu: “Hey. Are you listening?”
“Huh…?” I crashed right into him. Well, more like my face hit his chest.
I blushed and quickly stepped back. “Ah… S-sorry….”
He looks at me with his eyebrows scrunched up. “You’re quiet… and not paying attention…?”
A pause.
Lon’qu: “Do… you want to talk about this, Laura…?”
(My name again.) It sends butterflies in my stomach but at the same time bitterness creeps in. (Must be nice to call everyone by name basis now.)
(If he’s asking me this, I must be totally out of my element… GET IT TOGETHER.)
I sigh.
Laura: “Just… distracted.”
He breathes out and says, “If this is about—“
I cut him off again. “Celebrating! I was thinking about how to celebrate that I got lost in thought.”
Laura: “I should have just asked you! What do you want to do!”
Lon’qu: “…I don’t think it’s anything worth celebrating…”
Laura: “But, it is! You can talk to girls now!” I say the first thing that I can think of. My heart sinking.
He sighs. “I don’t need to talk to girls.”
Laura: “As if you didn’t enjoy it!” Accusation in my voice.
Lon’qu: “I didn’t.” He crosses his arms and stares down at me.
I scoffed. “Says you!!”
Now it was my time to sigh, “Anyways, we should celebrate! What do you want to do?”
Lon’qu: “…What do you want to do…?” He throws the question back at me.
So, I blurt out the first time that pops in my mind.
Laura: “Do you want to go camping…?”
The silence…
So, I blab because I can’t stand this tension in the air between us. “Just one day! Well… one night! We can make a camp and hang out by the fire just you and me... it’ll be nice and warm…” (I feel stupid for talking now.)
My questions lingers in the air. His face scrunches up, thinking… then he blushes, hard.
Lon’qu: “?! “Wh-what..?!”
His blush is infectious, and I can feel it creep on my face.
Laura: “I- I wasn’t implying anything!! It’s just camping!! W-We don’t have to!! If you don’t want to!!” (I’m so embarrassed for my life. I have suggested something so stupid…!!)
He’s still blushing… (but w-why…?)
Lon’qu: “W-we can go…”
Laura: “Alright then! We can go fishing, have a cook out, set up a tent, then watch the stars!! You pick the campsite and the day!”
Lon’qu: “…Understood. I’ll let you know then.”
Despite everything, I actually laugh.
Laura: “Hehe. I can’t wait!” I walk ahead of him taking in the air and the sights.
We continue patrolling, he walks beside me.
I’ve forgotten how it feels when he walks next to me. (It’s nice…)
Lon’qu: “You’re finally in a good mood.”
Caught off guard, “Huh…?”
Lon’qu: “…?” He looks at me stoic.
Laura: “Did… you just say something…?”
Lon’qu: “….What did you hear?”
Laura: “I’m not sure… that’s why I asked?”
He shrugs and continues to walk on patrolling. Again, leaving me behind… I follow him on an instinct…
Laura: (So did he say something or was I hearing things!??)
Laura: (And finally in a good mood too… like what’s that mean?! That I haven’t been in a good mood?!)
Laura: (We’ll see if he’s in a good mood if I hang out with the other guys!!) I’m fuming.
I crossed my arms while walking behind him…
A long quiet sigh escapes me.
Not once… did he look back.
We patrolled the rest of the way in silence, again… just me and my thoughts.
Lon’qu’s POV
Lon’qu: “You’re finally in a good mood.”
When I finally said out loud what I’ve been thinking… I couldn’t stand the way that her mood had pummeled. I blamed myself. (I shouldn’t have said anything at all.)
So, when she asked me if I said anything. I didn’t answer her… it was easier to walk on ahead than face her.
Behind me, I can hear her little breaths, her sighs. I could tell she was upset… (I’ve caused all of this, yet I don’t know how to fix it…)
I thought to the start…
How the first time I’ve ever seen her… how her eyes bore into me. My eyes naturally went to where the source was coming from. Our eyes met… I looked away. I was recruited.
At the camp grounds, I trained everyday and her presence was always there. I ignored it or at least tried to, but I’ve seen the way that she watched me though I didn’t acknowledge her. Until… that one day
she came up to me and started blabbering. Asking for a training session in exchange for getting rid of my fear. I thought she was ridiculous.
She didn’t stop after that either. I thought that I was cursed. I kept on getting paired with her during missions… and when I wasn’t paired with her… she would find her way towards me anyways. I wondered if some witchcraft was involved…
I still remember the day that she sat on top of me covering a risen attack with her axe. Unwarranted. The way that she does whatever she pleases…
Her chains with the griffin… the way our bodies touched… When she got shot from the sky… that was the first time that I realized that I couldn’t bear to lose her…
Then… her grand idea of befriending everyone. I sighed.
The way she kicked me outside of her tent… saying she can’t ‘monopolize’ all my time.
(But, my time is for her…)
How she asked me for a sparring match… and asked me to help her up reaching out her hand. If I reached for her hand, I would her pulled her straight into my arms… so I gave her my arm instead. (That thought itself jolted me.)
The day I shared my canteen with her… my eyes watching her every movement. (I needed to take care of her…)
That day when I held a bow and arrow. Her grin… caught me off guard and made me smile. Hoping she didn’t see it, I fired an arrow at her. (Maybe this is where I messed up?) Her confused expression, thoughts if I would ever hurt her, gripped my heart in a vice. (I hope I never hurt her…)
I remember the time when she made me a sign. I used it for her sake.
The way she ran away from me… I was already bruised from the fig, but I was damaged more from the fact that she chose to abandon the scouting mission altogether… when I was volunteered by the tacticians. (Why are you running from me…)
The way that she listens to my voice when I speak into the mic… if I tell her to come, she comes… she was just so cute. I couldn’t help but tease her. A jab on the side of her torso. Both sides. The way her face flushed a brilliant red. (Cute…) Does she know that she gets my heart beating…? Before I knew it, my sword hilt hit her square right in her heart. It felt like I had touched her heart, that I recoiled back.
There was a day that I did hurt her… I couldn’t believe that my light push had sent her falling straight to the ground. I cursed at myself, how had I hurt her like that? (Some man that I am…) I had to pick her up, I would take a hit for her too. I wanted her to be safe. (I need to keep her safe.)
That one day I had to leave her side to find her blood on her top sent me in a panic. I couldn’t lose her… (Not on my watch.)
I told her if she needs anything, she could just ask and I’ll come… I meant every word of it. I still remember the way she looked up at me her eyes bright as she asked “anything…?” Anything was a dangerous word… if she asked I would… (Heavens forbid if she asked me to kiss her, I would have… no hesitation.) If my life was needed for her to live, I would die for this girl.
The way she easily said that she would remember this forever… sent my heart racing especially with that smile of hers. A real one, not forced but pure happiness. I wanted to protect that smile forever… (So… why don’t you call for me…?)
The day she scrapped her knees and I performed first aid on it. When she tousled my hair, I was taken aback. Worried about her injuries but also being seduced by her, any more touching and I would have lost it. After I knocked out the supplies… the way she cleaned up without looking at me worked in my favor… because my face would have revealed too much… (I needed to control myself…)
The night that it rained and she was soaked while holding a pot of cabbage stew... I wanted to dry her off with a towel, so I did. She was so adorable that it made me chuckle… then I noticed how cold she was. I did consider giving her my pajamas but then imagining her having to change into my pajamas sent my heart and mind into overdrive that I threw that idea out quickly. I threw a bunch of towels over here and made her cover everything up. Then she fell. SHE FELL on top of me. My eyes taking all of her in, the way her eyes bore into my face, her lips… her body… warmth… her heat radiating off of her. How I wanted to lose myself in her… (I was clearly losing it so I sent her home.)
The day she got sick… I had to take care of her. It was my fault I sent her away cold in the rain… but… the way that she asked for snuggles. Of all the things… then she tugs at my belt at my waist… (Sometimes I wonder if she does this on purpose.) Then her tears… she hadn’t cried fully, but I saw it. It was there… my heart pummeled, so I indulged her. The way that she was staring at me… her eyes roaming from my face to my body… One hour of snuggles… with her that close… it would not be an hour of just “snuggles”. (I knew this so I turned her down.) This was a dangerous situation we were in, she was dangerous... I counted to recollect my thoughts… so when the countdown ended I would just leave… but she fell asleep before I even counted to 10 minutes… (Did… you feel safe in my arms…? Or… do you not see me as a man…?)
The scowl on her face didn’t go unnoticed…
But when she grabbed both sides of my face and squeezed them, that sent a shiver through me… Her gaze, her breath… I imagined myself leaning down and kissing her… and she kissed me back… when I realized I had moved even just a little bit closer to her I had to let her go. (Again… it was far too dangerous for me…) Then the statues in my tent… the way you posed in front of one… and asked me if I preferred a busty statue over you… Absurd. Then I asked you about your promise… I had meant it for you to stay by my side that I will see it through. Not for your list. But, for life. (But then you ran… should I have noticed this sooner…?)
A sulk on her face… it was precious. Was she jealous….? She’s the only one that I would allow her to touch me. (Who’s the one in your heart, Laura?) (…If it’s not me, I could easily change that can’t I?) That’s when I decided to play with her. Training was just an excuse to touch her. With every touch, her face flushed even more. I wanted to see more, get her to notice me. I got carried away and ended up pinning her to the ground. Again… the daydreams invaded me… leaning down… kissing her… it startled me so I jumped off before I could make them real…
The good luck charm that she tied for me. A gift, a possession, marking me that I was hers…? (I wouldn’t mind that. I am yours Laura…) The way she gets flustered and just her as a person, the way she just comes across… was so cute, I almost said it out loud. Then she brought up Gaius and giving him candy. Regardless, it was a bribe but where was my bribe…? I saw the way her eyes fell to my lips… and the way her hands flew to her mouth. (Were you imagining the things that I’ve have been daydreaming about…?)
I brushed my knees against hers to gauge for a reaction. I didn’t mean to go to a scouting mission this morning without telling her but it was urgent and I figured she would have had the mic and I could tell her where I was if she was listening. But, she didn’t.
Then, the talks about the nightmares. I asked her if she had any questions but she didn’t ask me. If she didn’t ask, then she didn’t want to know. (I should respect her decision or was I just supposed to just talk about it…?) So, instead of dwelling on it, I laid on her lap. I wanted her mind to be filled of thoughts of me. To be the only one that she sees. It was working because I could feel her eyes all over me that I had to tease her. It was worth it. Then, when I felt her move down and I shifted, and our mouths almost touched… I lost it completely. (If I had closed the gap that would have been that… and then what…? Make my dreams into a reality… scar her for the rest of her life, for her to hate me...) I couldn’t let that happen, I refuse to ruin her life. There’s a time and place for these things and this is not the time… so I turned away and walked off. That option was safer than ruining what we have…
I sighed as I continued the patrol, still walking ahead of her, not looking back.
Then… when I revealed my past… and not once did I revealed it to her… I never brought it up because it’s old news, it happened a long time ago. It’s irrelevant. What good would it be for you to know that I was living in poverty. I don’t have recollection of my family, nothing… (Perhaps if you had asked me, I would have let you know.) But this is an excuse isn’t it.
This leads to our current state, all month where she’s been avoiding me… She doesn’t greet me in the mornings, I come by her place, but even still she doesn’t greet me. We don’t have lunches or dinner together, you don’t even stop by when I’m training anymore. We barely have any missions together and when we do, I can hear the strain in your voice… you’re reluctant to talk to me… (Is this where things turned for the worst…?)
This morning I barged into her tent because I had a feeling she was inside and not out as her sign had said… clearly seeing her even though she tried to hide behind her blanket wall. She was in such a mess, but the sight of her was so intimate, like she just got out of bed and the first person she’s went to see is me… I haven’t seen her in such a long time that it was like seeing her for the first time again. (Breathtaking…) When I got her out to this patrol, everything was going fine wasn’t it…? She’s was talking a lot more than she’s had all month. Though she’s been in and out of it. But then your laugh, a real laugh before I asked if you were in a good mood… (Just what is going through your mind?)
(Where did it go all wrong? Where did I mess up…?)
We patrolled the rest of the way in silence, I continued walking ahead.
I could feel her stares poke daggers behind my back.
If I stopped and turned back and let her little body crash into mine, only to pick her up and force her to look at me…
(Then what…?)
If she tells me to let her go, I would not let her go…
I kept walking…
(What can I do…?)
I had no right… to even look at her.
Her unhappiness sets me at unease.
(Laura…)
(Do I even deserve to call out her name…?)
(How do I make this better…?)
(How do I get you to talk to me?)
I don’t look back or turn back.
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