Before bedtime, I think of him. When I wake up, I think about him.
Even now when I’m making my way to his tent, I’m thinking about him.
I thought about him before, sure… but… (I want his arms around me, to feel his warmth…)
( I want him to love me….)
(Huh…? Love…?)
(I must be going crazy.)
I take a deep sigh before knocking on his tent, when he pops out of it.
Lon’qu: “Good morning, Laura. You’re up early today.”
I fidget. I didn’t expect him to pop out…!
Laura: “G-good m-morning!” I step back and nearly trip over myself. But, I catch myself as I see his hand about to grab me though there’s no contact as I’ve balanced myself.
(GET IT TOGETHER ME.) But, my heart is already beating out of my chest, and all I’ve done is see him.
I shake my head.
(J-just what has he done to me?! He’s really had gotten me straight through my heart...)
(…How do I deal with this?!)
Lon’qu: “…Are you okay?” He looks concerned.
(Great. Now he thinks I’m crazy.)
Laura: “I-I’m okay!!” I take out the list, well more like fumble with it and it falls to the ground.
He picks it up faster than I could even reach down to grab it and hands it to me.
Our fingers touch and I linger far too longer at his touch, when I see the tassel that I made for him as a good luck charm…
(I must have absentmindedly grabbed it when I grabbed the list this morning…!)
Lon’qu: “What’s this…?”
Laura: “N-nothing…!” I grab it but his finger is still on it and he’s not it letting go.
(Uh…)
Lon’qu: “You’re… giving this to someone…?”
(His tone…) (It’s subtle… but irritated?!)
Laura: “No!! I mean yes!! I-it’s for you…”
His expression softens for a moment and then hardens again.
Lon’qu: “For me…?”
Laura: “I tied it as a good luck charm… since you always have a red one, but this one is blue…”
(And one of my favorite colors…)
His grip loosens and I pluck it from his fingers and tie it next to the red one he always wears.
Laura: “There. Hehe.”
I admire my work on his ornament.
His hands come to my face and his thumb brushes the side of my cheek.
Laura: “…?”
(Eh?!)
His eyes widen and he lunches his hand back as he’s been stung.
Lon’qu: “T-thanks.”
Laura: “T-Thank you!!”
Lon’qu: “Heh.”
Laura: “A-are you laughing at me…”
Despite my comment, his little laugh makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
(To have his attention, his gaze on me, his smiles on me…)
(How do I get closer to him…?)
Laura: “…”
Lon’qu: “Y-you’re… c-cu… nnnghn, n-nevermind.”
His cheeks flush faint with blush.
(I’m what?!)
Laura: “A-anyways, it’s Panne today. I have to go on a scouting mission per the tacticians.” I sigh.
Lon’qu: “…With who?”
(His voice clipped and stern.)
Laura: “G-Gaius…?”
Lon’qu: “Where at?”
Laura: “The village by our camp right there, not that far.” I point in the general direction of where we are supposed to go.
He nods his head.
Lon’qu: “Keep your guard up. Stay safe.”
Laura: “Don’t worry I bought candy.”
(For him to do my bidding.)
Lon’qu: “…Gifts…? For him…?” He scowls.
Laura: “Not really a gift… It’s just easier to get him to do things with candy…”
Lon’qu: “A bribery.” He says a matter of fact.
(I mean it technically is… but what can I say to that!?)
Lon’qu: “Where’s my bribe…?”
Laura: “Huh? Bribe for what…?”
(Like hugs…? For when he does a good job…?) (Good morning kisses…?)
My cheeks flush from the thought, his cheeks also flushing. My eyes fall onto his lips…
I imagined it… I imagined kissing his lips… (
a quick peck… but still it’s a kiss…) my hands fly to cover my mouth.
(Am I a pervert now?!?)
Laura: “A-anyways, I got the mic with me! I-I’m off to my mission. B-Bye!!”
I pivot around and run to the meet up area.
I put the mic in my ear as I greet Gaius.
Laura: “I’ll be in my own head today, eat these, and don’t mind me.” I say as I had him some candy.
Gaius: “Sweet! Don’t mind if I do.” He opens one and pops it in his mouth and walks on ahead starting the patrol.
Lon'qu: “Hold.”
I freeze and look around. But of course, he’s not there…
Panne: “Gah! You are no ordinary man... Enough of this game. Tell me what you want and leave me be!”
(One of a kind indeed…)
Lon'qu: “Do not come near me!”
Panne: “Stay away from YOU!?”
(Here we go again…)
Panne: “What do you think I’ve been trying to do all day, you ignorant man-spawn?”
(Rude!!)
Lon'qu: “I found this bag. It's full of weeds...or something.”
(Of… weeds…?)
Panne: “That's my bag.”
Lon'qu: “I know. You dropped it near the camp.”
(He’s as perceptive as ever.)
Panne: “Is that why you chased me over hill and dale? Why didn't you just tell me?”
(“Chased” she says.) I huffed.
Lon'qu: “Yes, well. When I saw your face, I became paralyzed with fear. And then you fled before I had a chance to explain.”
(Uh… what is that supposed to mean Lon’qu… paralyzed because she’s a beast?? Or female?!)
Panne: “Bah, this is insulting.”
Lon'qu: “Wait—don't forget your weeds!”
I imagine Lon’qu holding a bag of weed and the silly image just makes me laugh to myself…
Panne: “I don't want them, or the bag. They are yours now.”
Lon'qu: “Blast. What am I supposed to do with these? Hmm...I wonder if they taste good? *nibble* BLEGH! ...A poor idea.”
(Why would you eat them… sometimes this man… he catches me off guard.)
I continue following Gaius as everything seems normal but we are like 9 ft or so apart from each other.
Panne: “You again.”
Lon'qu: “I want to return this bag of weeds. I'm tired to carrying it around all the time.”
(Why are you so kind like this…? Don’t you see this is why girls fall for you…)
Panne: “Idiot human. Why didn't you just throw it away? *Sigh* Never mind. Here, give it to me.”
(Excuse you lady.)
Lon'qu: “Don't come any closer! I'll toss the bag your way, and you can pick it up.”
(And then he does this… kind and then pulls back…)
Panne: “Do you hate my kind so much?”
Lon'qu: “It is not your kind I mind, it is your gender.”
(The way he just said this to her face.)
Panne: “And why would you, a human skilled in swordplay, possibly fear all females?”
Lon'qu: “I have my reasons. I am haunted by nightmares—confused terrifying memories from my past. When I approach a woman, be she taguel or human, I am gripped by an icy fear.”
I audibly gasped.
Gaius: “?”
Laura: “Nothing! Don’t mind me!”
(Huh…? Nightmares from his past…? Memories…?)
Panne: “Then I am not the only one plagued by terrible memories.”
Lon'qu: “I do not like to speak of it.”
I’m flabbergasted. (You NEVER spoke of it?!!)
Lon'qu: “If the others knew I still suffered from such childish nightmares, they would think me weak.”
(Does this include me too?) My heart hurts with an unexplainable sadness.
Panne: “...Throw me the bag.”
(Did she just ignore him…)
Lon'qu: “Here.”
(Annnddd he acts like nothing happened.)
Panne: “Now wait right there.”
(What… what exactly is going on..?)
Lon'qu: “What are you doing?”
Panne: “I am making a special brew with the herbs I collected.”
Lon'qu: “*Sniff* It smells vile. And there are twigs floating in it.”
(Oh Lon’qu…)
Panne: “Just drink it down.”
(Eh?!)
Lon'qu: “Are you sure it's safe for humans?”
(Lon’qu…)
Panne: “Drink it or don't. I care not.”
(I’m starting to think it’s more difficult to talk to Panne than it is to Lon’qu… and that says a lot…)
Lon'qu: “Urgh! It tastes even worse than it smells!”
(He tells me to guard myself but then drinks random things from others??)
Panne: “Yes, but you will find it helps with your nightmares.”
(This nightmare talk again…)
Lon'qu: “...... Gods, that was awful. I hope this isn't some kind of elaborate practical joke.”
(But for him to keep drinking these things out of nowhere?! And just like that?! Can’t you be more wary Lon’qu….)
I sigh. (Not sure why I’m sighing though… like it’s just too much…?)
Gaius: “Cactus, watch out…!”
Laura: “Huh…?”
I feel the claws before I actually see it happening. It shreds the right side of my arm, pain sears as I see blood drip down.
Laura: “R-risen?! Here?!” I do a quick look around, Gaius is on the way, running back as he takes down some Risen. There’s only this one near me.
I take out my axe, but it falls straight to the ground.
I clutch on my right arm. (Not good… not good!!) (I can’t get a good grip on my axe...!) (I need to bandage this up quick!!)
Laura: “Gaius I’m running!! Let’s meet up at the top!” I point and he nods.
I take out my staff and heal him as I run to the meeting point clutching my arm as I wrap cloth around it the best I could while running.
The Risen catches up to me and raises to strike. I dodge, but barely his claw hitting my dress but not my skin. I keep on running.
(That was close…!)
(Wait my dagger!?) I try to take it out as I keep running, I can see it from the corner of my eye.
(Do I try to outrun it?! Stab the thing in the heart?! Or stop and try to evade?! What do I do?! WHAT DO I DO?!!)
A voice in my ear… “MOVE RIGHT!!!”
My body automatically moves to the right…
Gaius: “Like candy from a babe!”
Gaius: “Sweet.”
Laura: “Thanks… you s-saved me.”
Gaius: “Oh geez. Your arm…”
Lon’qu: “What happened?!” His voice sounding like I can hear it in two places.
(Huh…?)
The screech noise from his mic and my ear piece resonating.
He pulls out the mic from my ear.
Laura: “L-Lon’qu?!”
Lon’qu: “What. Happened.” It was no longer a question, but a demand to know.
Laura: “I… I got a little distracted… that’s all…”
But, he wasn’t looking at me… he was looking at Gaius, glaring.
Gaius puts both his hands up in defense. “Hey, I didn’t get it in time okay? My bad.”
I interrupt Gaius.
Laura: “It’s not his fault! I wasn’t capable of protecting myself okay?!”
Laura: “Besides! I’m fine! It just looks worse than it is…”
I tried lifting my arm, but wince at the pain, still holding my arm.
Laura: “At least the bleeding has stopped. And I haven’t blacked out!! I-I’m fine…”
He sighs and breathes a deep breath. He looks over at me once more, from head to toe, accessing the damages I presume.
Lon’qu: “You… need more training.”
(Don’t have to tell me twice…)
He lifts me up and carries me.
Laura: “I- I can walk!”
Lon’qu: “I’m taking you to a healer.”
I’m in his arms as he carries me, staring at his face.
(It’s warm…)
(His strong shoulders, arms, and chest…)
(…)
I take a deep breath.
Lon’qu: “…Are you hurting?” He looks down at me, eyes darting, and then looks away.
His gaze on me though short, left me frazzled.
Laura: “I’m not…” (If anything, I’m pretty sure it’s the adrenaline…)
Lon’qu: “Good, let me know if you’re hurting.”
Laura: “I’m not really hurting…”
Though, my arm is beginning to throb again.
He sighs…
Lon’qu: “Hold on tight.” And he runs like the wind and I do in fact… hold on tight.
We make it to the local healer in the village and he sets me down on a chair and they peel off my hastily put on bandages.
I wince in pain.
Healer: “I’m going to have to cut through your sleeve is that okay?”
Laura: “Yeah it’s fine. I’ll have to get a new one anyways.”
She cleans the wound, gives me ointment, and bandages it back up.
Healer: “Well since you’re a healer yourself, you know the procedure. Take care!”
Laura: “Thank you!”
We start heading back to camp.
He keeps glancing at me, worry in his eyes. Or at least that how it feels to me…
(But why would he be worried about me…?)
Laura: “I probably have the highest amount of injuries than any healer on this whole planet.” I laugh trying to make him less worried.
He looks at me again and sighs.
Lon’qu: “… I didn’t protect you. …I’m a failure.”
I blurt out, “A-Anything but that!! You are not failure and how are you supposed to protect me when you weren’t even there…?!”
Lon’qu: “Because I wasn’t there…”
Laura: “But… you can’t always be by my side…”
I had meant this to make him feel better, to say it wasn’t his fault. That we were in different places. But the realization of my words hit me… it’s as if I had accused him of not being with me.
(…What are we exactly…?) (Why do you bother putting up with me…?)These thoughts occupying my mind uninvited and unwelcomed.
Lon’qu: “…” His mouth clenches, lips pressed together tightly.
(The silence is killing me…) So, I ramble.
Laura: “You would think after 2 years of knowing each other and training with each other, I would be better huh…?”
More silence...
Laura: “Besides you’re here now… aren’t you? And you have saved me far more times than I’ve gotten hurt. I say that’s a huge accomplishment.”
(Still… no movement or words…)
Laura: “A-anyways, if you have nightmares you can always come to my tent…”
Lon’qu: “…!!!” His face literally goes on fire.
Lon’qu: “Y-you!!! Y-You can’t say that to a man without…. Nngh… I… will…”
My heart quickening. (H-he will!!?)
Lon’qu: “…not.”
Being shot down, my face flushes with embarrassment.
Laura: “… H-Have a good night then… I hope you have pleasant dreams…”
(What else could I have said??)
And I practically run to my tent, get inside and turn myself in for the night.
I toss and turn on my bed… (if he’s not interested then why is he so invested?!) (ugh… more like he’s just nice to everyone and doesn’t really mean no when he says no…) (EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO ME!!)
“Why am I the only one that gets denied…?” I whisper into the night.
I sigh. (Thinking about him is not going to help me sleep…)
But my thoughts keep coming back into him… I eventually drifted off to sleep. By the time I woke up, the light outside my tent looks like it’s mid morning.
(I have overslept…)
I wake up and get ready to go greet him.
By the time, I make it his tent, I see the sign that reads “Out.”
“Eh…?!” (I mean I am up late but…)
“Maybe he’s training…?”
I walk to the training ground that we usually meet at, the one with the training dummies, but… (I don’t see him.) “…”
(Maybe he’s at the other side…?) I make my way over to the training grounds with the trees, actually the place where I first talked to him… (Also empty…)
I visit the various other areas. The place where I chopped wood. (Nothing…)
I walk to the marketplace… it was crowded and bustling. By the time I went to every stall, and everyone moving by…
The sky turns into the evening…
Maybe he’s having dinner now? (Though we usually get dinner together…) But, who knows… I drag my feet over there anyways. (Still no sign of him….)
(How have I found him before…? When I knew nothing about him…?)
I sigh. (Why isn’t he finding me…?) (Am I really that helpless without him…?) I shake my head at this thought.
(Maybe he’s out jogging…?)
I quicken my pace walking faster, as I get closer and closer… I see him sitting on a bench sitting across talking to Panne… my heart does a flip…
“…” I purse my lips, and I end up staring anyways…
It’s a two sitter, but he sat right smack in the middle taking up the bench.
(So… this is where you’ve been all day…) I breathe out from walking around all day…
He looks up and our eyes meet.
My heart skips a beat.
Despite it all…. His lingering gaze… (his focus… his eyes on me…)
He mouths something but I have no idea what. I realized that I didn’t bring my mic.
(How much easier that would have been to find him…)
I take my pointer finger on both of my hands, and put them together in an “x” sign.
“Message not received.” I say quietly and more to myself than anything.
He shrugs but has a small slight smirk on his lips… that my heart quickens more so at this… playful behavior.
(Was he having such a good day not seeing me at all…?)
He then scoots over to one side of the bench and pats down the empty spot by him. His eyes on me… waiting.
(?!!?) I stay put… grounded.
He taps the bench again, eyes staring at me.
(This battle I can’t win… I give in.)
I… automatically walk over… and sit next to him with a lot of space between us… well maybe like the length of my shoulders to my elbows.
He stretches and puts his arm across the bench.
(Eh?! What is this?!? It’s like his arm is behind me?!) I can’t help but notice it… at the corner of my eye.
I’m not sure how to react or what to say… when his right knee brushes against mine.
(…!)
(T-touching…?!) I try to keep my face neutral but I don’t even know what kind of face I am making…
I don’t pull away because that would be too obvious, so I pretend that I don’t even notice it…
(But, I can feel his warmth…) My face also warming at whatever this is…
(Is… is he messing with me??)
Panne: “You look cheerful. I assume this to mean the potion did its deed. This is good. I was unsure it would work on humans.”
(So… a test subject…)
His knee still pressed against mine…
Lon'qu: “Your brew did more than cure me of my nightmares... Since I drank that draught, I've been having the most wonderful dreams.”
(H-huh? What k-kind… of dreams now… wonderful?!?)
My knee accidentally hits his in an involuntary fidget.
Panne: “The effect will wear off soon. Wait while I brew another mug.”
She walks away and he looks down at me. His knee still brushed against mine…
(W-what is this…)
(I can’t read his expression at all…)
She comes back though.
Panne: “…Done. I’ll just leave it here and back away.”
Lon'qu: “Right. Down the hatch... ...Urgh. The taste does not improve with exposure.”
(Annddd he just drinks it… again.)
Lon'qu: “But if it means no more nightmares, I'll drink a barrel and ask for more.”
(Just how how bad are these nightmares…) I find myself staring at him…
Lon'qu: “Tell me Panne, why do you help me? I know you've little love for humans.”
(L-love?!) (He didn’t mean it like that but the way he said it without much of hesitation or anything…)
Panne: “Well, I'd already given you the herbs. I didn't want them to go to waste.”
Lon'qu: “And why did you collect them in the first place? Were they for you? Are you also haunted by nightmares?”
(Comrades… in nightmares…)
Panne: “I often dream of the night man-spawn razed my village and murdered my kin. Just before she dies, my mother told me that I mustn't hate all humans. She said there were good men as well as wicked, and I was never to forget it.”
(Oh no….)
Lon'qu: “But why did you make the potion for me?”
(Did he just ignore her trauma dump…)
(Because you delivered her bag the other day…)
Panne: “I told you. I didn't want the herbs to go to waste.”
Lon'qu: “...You have a good heart.”
(A good heart… love… heart…) My thoughts not making any sense. (Why would he use these choice of words…)
Panne: “You know nothing about me.”
We watch her walk off, but he doesn’t chase her. He sits on the bench with his arm still stretched behind me.
I looked at him. I wanted to see his face… (Still unreadable…)
(D-do I have a good heart…?) I’m not even sure why I thought that, I swallowed, trying to swallow my thoughts.
He turns to look at me.
Lon’qu: “Questions?”
Laura: “H-huh?” His question caught me off guard.
(Questions about what?? Your nightmares?? Your new dreams?! Why do you keep drinking the concoction?! And where were you this morning?!?)
I absentmindedly bite my lips… and his right knee hits into my left knee…
“…!”
He chuckles.
(That was on purpose…??!!)
Laura: “W-why are you acting like this…?”
His face falters for a split second but he recovers.
Lon’qu: “Why… not...?”
(Clearly he is messing with me…!)
Lon’qu: “…what took you so long…?”
(And admit I couldn’t find you..?!) I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say…
He tucks my hair behind my ear. His eyes reading my face, and then his fingertips tapping my dangling earrings….
(…??!) My cheeks flush at this close proximity.
He blushes as he pulls back his hand and says, “N-no mic…?”
Laura: “N-no I f-forgot…!”
Lon’qu: “…”
We sit there in silence…
(What am I even doing here…)
(Where has he gone this morning…? Do I really know nothing about him?! Again…. what nightmares?!)
(I want to ask him… but I can’t ask him…)
(But more concerning…)
(What if he’s drinking some crazy concoction…)
Laura: “What if there’s like side effects…” I blurt out.
His face scrunches up in deep thought. Eyebrows knit together.
I couldn’t help but stare…
Lon’qu: “If there are… would that excuse my behavior…?”
His eyes staring straight into my eyes…
Laura: “H-huh…?”
He presses my knees together with his hands and lays his head down on my lap. His face looking up towards me.
Lon’qu: “…Bony.”
My face goes on fire.
Laura: “…!” “I—-“
He chuckles.
Lon’qu: “Call me up in 15 mins.” He closes his eyes.
(Just like that…)
I sit like a statue, afraid to move.
But I stare down…
At fluffy hair… (so tempting to run my hands through it…)
(Ugh focus me…)
My eyes trail down to his at his face… his closed eyelids…
his eyelashes…
his nose…
his lips…
I sucked in a breath.
It’s been only a few minutes nowhere even near 15 minutes…
Lon’qu: “Keep staring… and you’re going to burn a hole through my face…”
He opens his eyes and we end up staring face to face again.
My cheeks burn at getting caught.
Laura: “I- I wasn’t staring…!”
Lon’qu: “Then what…? Ogling…?”
My cheeks rising even more in temperature.
Laura: “W-what?!”
I make a strangled noise.
He chuckles again.
(Again… this playful behavior…)
He turns on his the side and all I can see is his side profile.
(Why does he tease me so…?)
I notice his ear… and how vulnerable it is…
(Should I… tease him back…?)
I lean down and was going to blow in his ear when he suddenly turns back at me. My mouth in a mid blow shape… inches from his face.
(Eh… EH?!?!)
Laura: “…!??”
Lon’qu: “…..!!!?!” He covers his mouth with his own hand as he rolls off of my lap and onto the ground.
He stands up far away from me and the bench.
Lon’qu: “W-what were you trying to d-do?!” He asks me while still covering his mouth. The tips of his ears turning red. Which mimics my own…
Laura: “J-just teasing! Y-You….”
I feel like I’ve done something I shouldn’t have. As if I was caught stealing…
Lon’qu: “Don’t do that again.” “…If you know what’s good for you.”
His rejection seeps into my soul as if he’s forbid me to love him…
My heart dips in pain.
Before I can even come up with a response, he turns away from me and walks off.
I just watch him leave…
The sunset and he just left me… (Didn’t even bothered to walk me home…) I sighed and get off the bench and start treading home.
The way home felt much more lonelier…
(I can’t believe he just left me??) I sigh. Loudly.
Even when he didn’t want to… he would still walk me home. To make sure that I made it safe…
(When was the last time that I haven’t had anyone by my side…?)
(Just how much has he affected me…) the sky turning darker with every step I take.
It was night… and I was actually scared. I felt like something was watching me in the dark… (I’m getting goosebumps… it’s so eerie….)
I hear a twig snap and I run all the way home… as fast as I could.
Once I get into my tent, I set up a barricade in front of the flap.
(I’m paranoid…)
Another sigh escapes me.
I force myself to wind down for the night and hide in my bed.
I pull out my book with all the doodles of him. (Memories of 2 years…?)
(A year of missions, him to myself…)
(Just this year, I had to share him…) Another sigh…
I flip through the pages, seeing different expressions of him, his sternness, a typical Lon’qu expression, but the ways his eyes pierce or even soften… his blushing face, his tired face… even his angry faces.
“Hehe.”
I must have drawn him over a hundred times and it still doesn’t feel enough…
(If my art was better, this would have been cute huh?)
“Though…”
I continue flipping through his various expressions, slightly shocked, and then gentle eyes… staring back at me…
“It’s still cute though… because it’s mine.”
My fingers stop at the page where he’s looking back at me, his smiling face…
“This is stalker behavior isn’t it?”
I laugh pitifully to myself.
“If he sees this, he’ll probably run for the hills.”
But I continue… because this is me.
With every page I turn… my heart speeds up faster…
(What is this feeling in my chest?)
(It’s… warm, thumping… but also hurts…)
“L-love…” The word catches in my throat.
“How do I love someone I don’t know about…?”
I’ve been on missions with him, we hang out together. (But the nightmares? What nightmares…? And why hasn’t he ever told me…) (Not only that he’s told me not to do that ever again…)
But my heart won’t stop pounding… the tingling sensation as I continue looking at his various expressions…
A doodle of his stern face yet again…
(I want him to notice me…)
A doodle of his side profile determined and unwavering…
(I want him to look at me…)
A doodle that catches my breath, as he was staring straight at me… slightly flustered.
(I want… him for myself…) again this thought consumes my brain.
(I… love…? him…?)
I close my sketch book and hide it back under my pillow. I turn off the lights.
I lay staring at my ceiling, but it’s dark. My heart still rapidly beating in my chest.
(How has it come to this…?) His faces flashing through my mind…
(More importantly… what do I do about it…?)
I sigh. (It’s hopeless. I can’t go back…)
(It’s not like I can lock up my feelings… or can I…?)
(But, he doesn’t even love me. OR LIKE me for that matter. At most he just probably just deals with me…)
(I mean I haven’t really tried wooing him…? Though shouldn’t he be the one wooing me??)
(Also!! Shouldn’t he just love me… for me…?)
“…” Another huff out of my mouth.
“But, he doesn’t…” Saying the words out loud and hearing it…
Despite this all… (I want him… for myself.)
My heart beats rapidly… at this thought.
(I can’t let him know that I love him…)
I silently vow this to myself.
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